Showing posts tagged kids
Query: Could diarrhea be a sign of pregnancy? Ehh…It’s hard to say.  I like to play it safe and and push my girlfriend down the stairs any night we eat Indian food. View high resolution

Query: Could diarrhea be a sign of pregnancy?

Ehh…It’s hard to say.  I like to play it safe and and push my girlfriend down the stairs any night we eat Indian food.

Query: Can I Zumba while pregnant? For sure.  I’ve always heard not to shake a baby, but they never said shit about a fetus. View high resolution

Query: Can I Zumba while pregnant?

For sure.  I’ve always heard not to shake a baby, but they never said shit about a fetus.

Query: Where can me and my boyfriend go to be alone? Ok, first, it’s ‘Where can my boyfriend and I…‘  Don’t tell mom I told you, but if you go over to Makeout Bluff late at night you’ll probably be all alone.  Yeah, right next to the Prison for the Criminally Insane and Hook-handed.  No, I don’t think that manhunt is still going on.  I don’t know!   It’s been two days, that guy is probably dead in a ditch somewhere.  Gah!  Take my keys.  And you’d better put gas in it on the way home.  It’s on ‘E’.  No, give me your cell phone.  You don’t want any distractions when Darren makes his move.  Go get ‘em, little sis. View high resolution

Query: Where can me and my boyfriend go to be alone?

Ok, first, it’s ‘Where can my boyfriend and I…‘  Don’t tell mom I told you, but if you go over to Makeout Bluff late at night you’ll probably be all alone.  Yeah, right next to the Prison for the Criminally Insane and Hook-handed.  No, I don’t think that manhunt is still going on.  I don’t know!   It’s been two days, that guy is probably dead in a ditch somewhere.  Gah!  Take my keys.  And you’d better put gas in it on the way home.  It’s on ‘E’.  No, give me your cell phone.  You don’t want any distractions when Darren makes his move.  Go get ‘em, little sis.

Query: When can I stop sterilizing baby bottles? Whenever you’re ready to stop coddling that kid.  Doesn’t baby get shots for Polio and MMR and all that stuff?  Think of your unsterilized bottle as an innoculation against real threats like people putting a cig out in your bottle at a party or drinking after a chick with the mouth herp because you’re kind of blacked out and she is super hot and just begging for it.  Play the odds here, mom.  Is Baby Huey going to fall into a time machine and get tuberculosis or is he going get sloppy brains from the dorm whore?  You’re welcome. View high resolution

Query: When can I stop sterilizing baby bottles?

Whenever you’re ready to stop coddling that kid.  Doesn’t baby get shots for Polio and MMR and all that stuff?  Think of your unsterilized bottle as an innoculation against real threats like people putting a cig out in your bottle at a party or drinking after a chick with the mouth herp because you’re kind of blacked out and she is super hot and just begging for it.  Play the odds here, mom.  Is Baby Huey going to fall into a time machine and get tuberculosis or is he going get sloppy brains from the dorm whore?  You’re welcome.

Query: When does colic start? I’m not exactly sure when it starts, but I can damn sure tell you when it ends: Right after baby takes a sip or two of daddy’s drink.  He’ll sleep like a…baby.  No, better than that.  Like a shitfaced baby. View high resolution

Query: When does colic start?

I’m not exactly sure when it starts, but I can damn sure tell you when it ends: Right after baby takes a sip or two of daddy’s drink.  He’ll sleep like a…baby.  No, better than that.  Like a shitfaced baby.

Query: What are my chances of having twins? I’m no statistician, but I do know that your odds increase if you let both guys finish inside you. View high resolution

Query: What are my chances of having twins?

I’m no statistician, but I do know that your odds increase if you let both guys finish inside you.

Query: When can you feel the baby move? Usually right after that third shot of peppermint schnapps.  He’s a little fireball! View high resolution

Query: When can you feel the baby move?

Usually right after that third shot of peppermint schnapps.  He’s a little fireball!

Query: Where can I get the H1N1 vaccine? All month long, I’m giving free H1N1 vaccines in the back of my van.  Yep, the one without windows parked at the far end of the Home Depot lot.  Near the Captain D’s.  No, I already asked your mommy.  She said it’s okay.  What are you; six?  Seven?  It’s time you started thinking for yourself. View high resolution

Query: Where can I get the H1N1 vaccine?

All month long, I’m giving free H1N1 vaccines in the back of my van.  Yep, the one without windows parked at the far end of the Home Depot lot.  Near the Captain D’s.  No, I already asked your mommy.  She said it’s okay.  What are you; six?  Seven?  It’s time you started thinking for yourself.

Query: When does child support end? Right after you quit being such a pussy and pull a few of your own teeth.  Drive down to the river, toss your teeth and watch into the car, and torch it.  Shut up,  you’re not going to miss that ‘95 Grand Am.  Dude, it was not a collector’s item.  You can live like a king on your Arby’s assistant manager salary in Mexico.  Carpe diem, man.  View high resolution

Query: When does child support end?

Right after you quit being such a pussy and pull a few of your own teeth.  Drive down to the river, toss your teeth and watch into the car, and torch it.  Shut up,  you’re not going to miss that ‘95 Grand Am.  Dude, it was not a collector’s item.  You can live like a king on your Arby’s assistant manager salary in Mexico.  Carpe diem, man. 

Query: Where do garden snakes live? Fucking hell, Jimmy!  They live in the garden.  Are you retarded?  You keep asking stupid-ass questions like that, and you’ll never make it to second grade.  Now go get daddy another cold beer from the cooler. View high resolution

Query: Where do garden snakes live?

Fucking hell, Jimmy!  They live in the garden.  Are you retarded?  You keep asking stupid-ass questions like that, and you’ll never make it to second grade.  Now go get daddy another cold beer from the cooler.