Query: Would a gun work on the moon?
Well, it’d better. That’s the only way we’re ever gonna take the moon. By force! Not you and your pussyfootin’ around with diplomacy and politics. Fuck a duck, man! This is 2010. Year of the…of the…moon! I swear to God, you go up there with your compromises and your doctrines of nonagression and you’re gonna come back in a fucking pine box. The Mooninites are not to be trusted!
Query: Can I travel to America with a criminal record?
You fuckin’ terrorist! These colors don’t run! Love it or leave it! We’ll put a boot up yer ass! O-bama?! More like…O-…sama! Yeah! Wait. Turn down The O’Reilly Factor. And the Big And Rich CD. I said turn it down, Wanda! Fuck! What was the question?
Query: Is Hello Kitty Japanese?
The only way Hello Kitty could be more Japanese is if she was eating sushi while being robot tentacle-raped under a falling A-bomb.
Query: Why can’t boys wear skirts?
They can and they’re called kilts. Know why that’s not gay? Because it’s Scottish. Guy in New York in a skirt? Gayness. Guy in the highlands in a scratchy sweater and a kilt? Bad ass. He probably just got done burying a body in a bog and he’s about to play 18 holes with WOODEN FUCKING CLUBS. Don’t like it? He’ll turn up a bottle of Glen Fiddich and then bash the remainder over your skull.
Query: Why can’t I own a Canadian?
It’s clear why we can’t own a fellow American, but a Canadian? Come on. Fair game. Write up a contract with terms of payment including Molsen and fries and gravy and see who bites. White slavery is the new black.
