Showing posts tagged food
Query: Could diarrhea be a sign of pregnancy? Ehh…It’s hard to say.  I like to play it safe and and push my girlfriend down the stairs any night we eat Indian food. View high resolution

Query: Could diarrhea be a sign of pregnancy?

Ehh…It’s hard to say.  I like to play it safe and and push my girlfriend down the stairs any night we eat Indian food.

Query: Should lamb be pink? Take it easy!  Look, man, I got burgers going on this side, I got Grandma’s pork chop working over here, and then your lamb right in the middle of the grill.  First off, you always gotta bring some goddamn weirdo meat when we have the family picnic?  What was it last year?  Emu?  Fuck you, Kenny.  Anyway, these burgers are a nice mid-well, all the dogs are nicely charred, Gammy’s chop is damn well good enough, and I’m out of Busch heavy.  Your baby fucking sheep is as done as it’s gonna get.  What?  Sorry, Bobby Flay, she said she wanted that chop medium-rare.  Salmonella?!  Nobody brought any fish, dipshit.  Grab those tongs. View high resolution

Query: Should lamb be pink?

Take it easy!  Look, man, I got burgers going on this side, I got Grandma’s pork chop working over here, and then your lamb right in the middle of the grill.  First off, you always gotta bring some goddamn weirdo meat when we have the family picnic?  What was it last year?  Emu?  Fuck you, Kenny.  Anyway, these burgers are a nice mid-well, all the dogs are nicely charred, Gammy’s chop is damn well good enough, and I’m out of Busch heavy.  Your baby fucking sheep is as done as it’s gonna get.  What?  Sorry, Bobby Flay, she said she wanted that chop medium-rare.  Salmonella?!  Nobody brought any fish, dipshit.  Grab those tongs.

Query: Can I make stuffing ahead of time? Yeah, if you want it to taste like it came from a fucking middle school cafeteria.  Grandma’s spinning in her grave right now…er, urn.  Whatever. View high resolution

Query: Can I make stuffing ahead of time?

Yeah, if you want it to taste like it came from a fucking middle school cafeteria.  Grandma’s spinning in her grave right now…er, urn.  Whatever.

Query: Can I overfeed my baby? Don’t be retarded.  You’re thinking of fish.  If you want baby to grow up big and strong like the guy who might be his daddy, he needs hearty food and lots of it.  You know what big, strong men eat?  Campbell’s Chunky Soup.  Especially the chili and anything beef-heavy.  Growing babies need protein; maybe more than you and me.  One stipulation: it needs to be piping hot.  Now, baby might throw a fit because it’s so hot, but you keep right on spooning it into his ungrateful little scream-hole.  When he’s scoring touchdowns on Sunday afternoons and blowing lines off hookers’ hip bones on Sunday evenings, he’ll be thanking you. View high resolution

Query: Can I overfeed my baby?

Don’t be retarded.  You’re thinking of fish.  If you want baby to grow up big and strong like the guy who might be his daddy, he needs hearty food and lots of it.  You know what big, strong men eat?  Campbell’s Chunky Soup.  Especially the chili and anything beef-heavy.  Growing babies need protein; maybe more than you and me.  One stipulation: it needs to be piping hot.  Now, baby might throw a fit because it’s so hot, but you keep right on spooning it into his ungrateful little scream-hole.  When he’s scoring touchdowns on Sunday afternoons and blowing lines off hookers’ hip bones on Sunday evenings, he’ll be thanking you.

Query:  When do clams go bad? Forget all those old wives tales like “Only eat oysters in months that have an ‘R’ in them” and “Don’t eat clams that the Armenian man sells from the back of his windowless van”.  Bullshit.  If it has a shell, then you’re higher up on the foodchain.  Indulge as you see fit.  Shrimp, clams, turtles, whatever.  Shit, just the other day, the Mexican meat market had all clams half price.  Dee-lish.  You know, now that I think about it…I’ve never known them to stock seafood.  I asked if they were fresh, and my Spanish is a bit rusty, but I’m pretty sure I heard a “Si” in there somewhere. View high resolution

Query:  When do clams go bad?

Forget all those old wives tales like “Only eat oysters in months that have an ‘R’ in them” and “Don’t eat clams that the Armenian man sells from the back of his windowless van”.  Bullshit.  If it has a shell, then you’re higher up on the foodchain.  Indulge as you see fit.  Shrimp, clams, turtles, whatever.  Shit, just the other day, the Mexican meat market had all clams half price.  Dee-lish.  You know, now that I think about it…I’ve never known them to stock seafood.  I asked if they were fresh, and my Spanish is a bit rusty, but I’m pretty sure I heard a “Si” in there somewhere.