gtards

Query: Why does my cat bite me?

Because he has seen what you do to yourself nearly every time you sit in front of your computer and is confused and frightened. 

Query: Could my dog be pregnant?

No way, man.  Human sperm can’t fertilize a dog egg.  Plus, she’d have to have been in heat, and the odds of that…Oh, by another dog?  Wha…yeah, of course, by another dog.  I was just…I was just…I know.  Gross, right?  Hey!  Let’s see what’s on the TV.

Query: Will my toenail grow back?

Take it from a man who’s lost a toe or two, the real question here is: How clean was the possum that done bit ya?  If’n it’s one of them skank-ass foam-mouth som’bitches…well, you’ll save some money on sandals this summer.  If’n it’s one of them cleaner urban-type possums, with the nice fur that grows in real thick…chances are she’ll come back.

Query: Where do garden snakes live?

Fucking hell, Jimmy!  They live in the garden.  Are you retarded?  You keep asking stupid-ass questions like that, and you’ll never make it to second grade.  Now go get daddy another cold beer from the cooler.

Query: Do all rabbits bite?

Nah.  Some just lay there til you’re done.

Query: Is Hello Kitty Japanese?

The only way Hello Kitty could be more Japanese is if she was eating sushi while being robot tentacle-raped under a falling A-bomb.

Query: Can you teach my alligator manners?

Psssh.  That’s the problem with alligators today.  If you ask me, it’s the damn rap music and soda pop.  Gators ain’t meant to sit around all day, listening to the hip hop and playing Pac-Man on the Nintendo machine.  It’s a slippery slope, with these little ‘uns today.  One day, it’s not saying “Yes, ma’am” and “Yes, sir”.  Next thing you know, they’re smoking crack rocks, listening to Li’l Diddy, and stealing cars.

Query: When can skunks spray?

Usually between, “Oh shit, man, do you think that’s a” and “skunk?”