Query: Who should say ‘I love you’ first?

The first person to regain consciousness and remove the ball gag.

Query: Who can contest a will?

Christ, Cheryl, the body’s not even cold yet.  I know my dad loved banging you and all, but your D&G sunglasses and lower back tattoo lead me to believe you won’t be starting any trust funds. 

Query: How far is a 5K?

K…thousand…It’s five thousand.  Five thousand what?  Kenny, I’m your guidance counseler, not a fucking cartographer.

Query: Could diarrhea be a sign of pregnancy?

Ehh…It’s hard to say.  I like to play it safe and and push my girlfriend down the stairs any night we eat Indian food.

Query: Which side of a CD contains data?

Is it the side that says 2 Legit 2 Quit or the other, shiny side?  I can never remember…

Query: Who does OSHA apply to?

OSHAOSHA?!  I swear to God, Julio.  If you weren’t so good-looking and gullible, I would’ve canned your ass years ago.  Now, you and Tiffany get back in that standing sixty-nine and let’s wrap this shoot.  BREAK’S OVER!

Query: How could voter turnout be improved?

Three words:  Chips and Salsa

Query: Would a gun work on the moon?

Well, it’d better.  That’s the only way we’re ever gonna take the moon.  By force!  Not you and your pussyfootin’ around with diplomacy and politics.  Fuck a duck, man!  This is 2010.  Year of the…of the…moon!  I swear to God, you go up there with your compromises and your doctrines of nonagression and you’re gonna come back in a fucking pine box.  The Mooninites are not to be trusted!

Query: Can the Queen be arrested?

Maybe for rocking too hard!  Dynamite with a laser beam!  Guaranteed to blow your mind!  ANYTIME!  What?  Oh, the Queen.  Nah, she’s above the law.  Like Judge Dredd.

Query: Can I Zumba while pregnant?

For sure.  I’ve always heard not to shake a baby, but they never said shit about a fetus.